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The Chat

Talking to kids this holiday season...

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This question is as ridiculous as asking whether we teach Torts in K-12. No one has classes on Torts until they get to law school. Most of us who never went to law school have no idea what Torts are…not unlike Critical Race Theory. But the fundamentals of Tort law, which are about respecting other people’s property, fixing it when you break it, and not taking what isn’t yours… those are absolutely taught in K-12.

People often want to know "What would make a White woman be so invested in anti-racism?" I don't usually share the story of what I learned in South Africa because, while it's one of many things that motivates me, it may be the least relatable or replicable. I want other White people to see a way forward on an anti-racist path for themselves. I want them to connect to my story. But when I retrace my whole journey, I have to include my friend Gertrude, who I met when I was studying abroad at the University of Cape Town.

Today I want to acknowledge another historic first. It’s our first Second Gentleman. This is the first time that either our president or vice president has a man for a spouse or partner. And the reason I want to acknowledge this is because I have a seven-year-old — a white cisgender boy — who will most likely grow up to be a white man. As a parent who seeks to help her child grow into an anti-racist white adult, I want his world filled with role models who can help him see what it looks like to be a white man who acts as an ally — a co-conspirator in the drive for a more inclusive, just nation and world.

“If you could design the ideal White ally, what characteristics would they have?” This question was asked recently of scholar Ibram X. Kendi. He answered, “The ideal White ally would understand that it’s in their self-interest to build an anti-racist society.”

Taking feedback can be hard in the best of times. During Covid, most of us are already raw and stretched. This summer, the Black @School movement that took place on Instagram delivered feedback to schools across the country that education is delivered in a way that causes trauma to Black students. How can educators take in this feedback in a way that leads to healing and change in our classrooms? In this podcast (see link below), I interviewed trauma specialist Eleonora Bartoli, PhD, about how to move beyond the fight, flight, freeze reactions that are common for White people when hearing feedback about the ways that we perpetuate racism.

Next year--just like this year--I will offer a four part coaching series for White people who lead White anti-racist learning spaces. These sessions will be specifically geared towards people who are leading White “affinity groups” and will be structured so as to share strategies for organizing such groups and sharing potential activities. Resources are included here.

This post was originally published on The Wall Street Journal. They asked pediatricians, educators, community leaders and authors for their advice on how to talk to children, how to recognize when they are struggling and resources parents can use in this difficult and confusing time.

"By and large, racial literacy for white people requires really knowing the true history of the U.S. which many of us do not learn in school. There is no blame or shame there, but we can't really recognize the current racial dynamics in the U.S. without understanding the history," said Ali Michael, the co-founder and director of the Race Institute for K-12 Educators and author of "Raising RaceQuestions: Whiteness, Inquiry and Education." "The thing about books is you have to look at your own lens and figure out where you need to grow."

Ava DuVernay, in this recent interview with CBS news, shared a common sentiment that it’s not the job of People of Color to help White people figure out what to do. They are using all of their emotional energy to survive. So White people have some work to do. As a White woman who is asking the same question myself, here are the answers I’m coming to:

Ava DuVernay, in this recent interview with CBS news, shared a common sentiment that it’s not the job of People of Color to help White people figure out what to do. They are using all of their emotional energy to survive. So White people have some work to do. As a White woman who is asking the same question myself, here are the answers I’m coming to:

Two teachers have written to me to say, “I used your words. I said that I would support my students whether they are Muslim, gay, Black, White, Asian American, Hindu, Sikh, lesbian, disabled, straight, transgender, Latino, Christian, Native American, female, male, undocumented, Republican, Democrat, Independent or Green. And I got in trouble.” Teachers and principals are asking, “Can we still promote anti-racism without being partisan?”

Tell them, first, that we will protect them.

A few weeks ago I took the implicit bias test on race and failed. I didn’t fail exactly—it’s not a test you can actually fail—but I wasn’t proud of my results.

On the last day of the White Privilege Conference last spring (Albuquerque, 2012), a participant in one of my workshops approached me to ask what three things she should be doing as a white person to be anti-racist. She said, “I know it’s life-long and that you can’t just narrow it down to a bulleted list. But… if you could… what would you say are the top three things I should be doing to try to be anti-racist?”

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